Top Fifteen Rants on Film
byon 02-14-2009 at 02:23 AM (0 Views)
Top Fifteen Rants on Film (in no particular order that I will admit to*):
01) Dr. Walter Gibbs: [stops and turns back to Dillinger, visibly angry] That was uncalled for! You know, you can remove men like Alan and me from the system, but we helped create it! And our spirit remains in every program we design for this computer!
02) Christy: I heard your parents had to move here because you got kicked out of ten different schools?
Alan: I did not! [paused for a while] It was only two.
-- Small Soldiers
03) Gina: I'm finished speaking to both of you okay? You're both [eff]ing insane. You want to know what your problem is? MTV, Playboy, and Madison [eff]ing Avenue. Yes. Let me explain something to you, ok? Girls with big tits have big [tush]. Girls with little tits have little [tush]. That's the way it goes. G__ doesn't [eff] around; he's a fair guy. He gave the fatties big, beautiful tits and the skinnies little tiny niddlers. It's not my rule. If you don't like it, call him. Hey Mitch. Thank you.
[Looking at a porn magazine]
Gina: Oh, guys, look what we have here. Look at this, your favorite. Oh, you like that?
Tommy: I could go along with that.
Gina: Yeah, that's nice right? Well, it doesn't exist ok. Look at the hair. The hair is long, it's flowing, it's like a river. Well, it's a [eff]ing weave ok? And the tits, please! I could hang my overcoat on them. Tits by design were invented to be suckled by babies. Yes, they're purely functional. These are silicon city. And look, my favorite, the shaved pubis. Pubic hair being too unruly and all. Very key. This is a mockery, this is a sham, this is bull[poop]. Implants, collagen, plastic, capped teeth, the fat sucked out, the hair extended, the nose fixed, the bush shaved... These are not real women, all right? They're beauty freaks. And they make all us normal women with our wrinkles, our puckered boobs, hi bob, and our cellulite feel somehow inadequate. Well I don't buy it, all right? But you [eff]ing mooks, if you think that if there's a chance in hell that you'll end up with one of these women, you don't give us real women anything approaching a commitment. It's pathetic. I don't know what you think you're going to do. You're going to end up eighty-years old, drooling in some nursing home, then you're going to decide, it's time to settle down, get married, have kids? What, are you going to find a cheerleader? Charge it Mitch.
Tommy: I think you're over simplifying.
Gina: Oh eat me. Look at Paul. With his models on the wall, his dog named Elle McPherson. He's insane. He's obsessed. You're all obsessed. If you had an once of self-esteem, of self-worth, of self-confidence, you would realize that as trite as it may sound, beauty is truly skin-deep. And you know what, if you ever did hook one of those girls, I guarantee you'd be sick of her.
Tommy: Yeah, I suppose I'd get sick of her after about, what, twenty or thirty years?
Gina: Get over yourself. Thank you Mitch. Say hello to Gertrude.
Gina: No mater how perfect the nipple, how supple the thigh, unless there is some other **** going on in the relationship, besides the physical, it's going to get old, ok? And you guys, as a gender, have got to get a grip. Otherwise, the future of the human race is in jeopardy.
Willie Conway: What was that?
Tommy: I don't know, but a great [tush].
Willie Conway: Nice tits. Come on let's go.
-- Beautiful Girls **
04) Mal: This report is maybe twelve years old. Parliament buried it, and it stayed buried till River dug it up. This is what they feared she knew. And they were right to fear because there’s a whole universe of folk who are gonna know it, too. They’re gonna see it. Somebody has to speak for these people. You all got on this boat for different reasons, but you all come to the same place. So now I’m asking more of you than I have before. Maybe all. Sure as I know anything I know this, they will try again. Maybe on another world, maybe on this very ground swept clean. A year from now, ten, they’ll swing back to the belief that they can make people…better. And I do not hold to that. So no more running. I aim to misbehave.
05) Rosencrantz: Did you ever think of yourself as actually dead, lying in a box with a lid on it?
Rosencrantz: Nor do I, really. It's silly to be depressed by it. I mean, one thinks of it like being alive in a box. One keeps forgetting to take into account the fact that one is dead, which should make all the difference, shouldn't it? I mean, you'd never know you were in a box, would you? It would be just like you were asleep in a box. Not that I'd like to sleep in a box, mind you. Not without any air. You'd wake up dead, for a start, and then where would you be? In a box. That's the bit I don't like, frankly. That's why I don't think of it. Because you'd be helpless, wouldn't you? Stuffed in a box like that. I mean, you'd be in there forever, even taking into account the fact that you're dead. It isn't a pleasant thought. Especially if you're dead, really. Ask yourself, if I asked you straight off, "I'm going to stuff you in this box. Now, would you rather be alive or dead?" Naturally, you'd prefer to be alive. Life in a box is better than no life at all, I expect. You'd have a chance, at least. You could lie there thinking, "Well. At least I'm not dead. In a minute somebody is going to bang on the lid, and tell me to come out." [bangs on lid] "Hey, you! What's your name? Come out of there!"
Guildenstern: I think I'm going to kill you.
-- Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead
06) Craig: There's a tiny door in that empty office. It's a portal, Maxine. It takes you inside John Malkovich. You see the world through John Malkovich's eyes, then, after about fifteen minutes, you're spit out into a ditch on the side of The New Jersey Turnpike.
Maxine: Sounds delightful. Who the [eff] is John Malkovich?
Craig: He's an actor. One of the great American actors of the 20th century.
Maxine: What's he been in?
Craig: Lots of things. He's very well respected. That jewel thief movie, for example. The point is that this is a very odd thing, supernatural, for lack of a better word. It raises all sorts of philosophical questions about the nature of self, about the existence of the soul. Am I me? Is Malkovich Malkovich? Was the Buddha right, is duality an illusion? Do you see what a can of worms this portal is? I don't think I can go on living my life as I have lived it. There's only one thing to do. Let's get married right away.
-- Being John Malkovich
07) Ellie Arroway: Because I can't. I had an experience. I can't prove it. I can't just explain it. But everything that I know as a human being, everything that I am tells me that it was real. I was given something wonderful, something that changed me forever: a vision of the universe that tells us undeniably how tiny and insignificant and how rare and precious we all are. A vision that tells us that we belong to something that is greater than ourselves, that we are not - that none of us is alone. I wish I could share that emotion, that everyone, if even for one moment, could feel that awe and humility and that hope that I felt, but... that continues to be my wish.
08) Helicopter Pilot: So you don't like flyin', huh? This is nothin'! You shoulda been with us five, six months back! Whoa, talk about puke! We ran into a hailstorm over the Sea of Japan! Everyone was retchin' his guts out! The pilot shot his lunch all over the windshield, and I barfed on the radio - knocked it right out! It wasn't that lightweight stuff, either, it was that chunky, industrial-weight puke! [proferring a candy bar] Wanna bite?
-- The Hunt for Red October
09) Mathilda: My parents... d-died in a car accident about four weeks ago. It was terrible.
Headmistress: You know, we didn't have the time to get to know one another when you first came here. But I want you to know that I'm not the kind of woman that would let down a child — no matter what her situation, no matter what her mistake. So I'm going to help you and do my best to welcome you here again. But on one condition: you have to stop lying to me, Mathilda. I want you to take a chance, and trust me, and tell me what happened to you.
Mathilda: Okay. My family got shot down by D.E.A. officers because of a drug problem. I left with the greatest guy on earth. He was a hit man — the best in town. But he died this morning... and if you don't help me, I'll be dead by tonight.
10) I’m Hub McCann. I’ve fought in two world wars, and countless smaller ones on three continents. I’ve led thousands of men into battle with everything from horses and swords to artillery and tanks. I’ve seen the headwaters of the Nile and tribes of natives no white men had ever seen before. I’ve won and lost a dozen fortunes, killed many men, and loved only one woman with a passion a flea like you could never begin to understand. That’s who I am.
-- Second-hand Lions
11) Joan: You should write these kiss-offs down. How to crush a woman's soul in ten words or less. That was ten, wasn't it? (counting) You're-terrific-Sensational-really-but-I'm-not-right-for-you. Yep. Ten..
-- Playing By Heart
12) McCord: Man, why do I gotta be the guy tells the kids there's no Santa Claus? OK, look. You're...Well, you're not like me. I mean, you're not... human. I mean, you're human, but you just, you're not real. You're not, like, a real person. Like me. You're clones. You're copies of people out here in the world.
-- The Island
13) Martin: I just honestly don't know what I have in common with those people anymore... or with anyone, really. I mean, they'll all have husbands and wives and children and houses and dogs, and, you know, they'll have made themselves a part of something, and they can talk about what they do. And what am I going to say? "I killed the president of Paraguay with a fork. How have you been?" I just think it'll be depressing.
-- Grosse Pointe Blank
14) Johnny Mnemonic: Listen. You listen to me. You see that city over there? THAT'S where I'm supposed to be. Not down here with the dogs, and the garbage, and the [eff]ing last month's newspapers blowing *back* and *forth*. I've had it with them, I've had it with you, I've had it with ALL THIS - *I want ROOM SERVICE*! I want the club sandwich, I want the cold Mexican beer, I want a $10,000-a-night hooker! I want my shirts laundered... like they do... at the Imperial Hotel... in Tokyo.
-- Johnny Mnemonic ##
This band behind me'll tell you that that trophy means more to me than owt else in the whole world. But they'd be wrong! Truth is, I THOUGHT it mattered. I thought that MUSIC mattered. But does it bollocks? Not compared to how people matter. Us winning this trophy won't mean bugger-all to most people. But us refusing it - like what we're going to do now - well, then it becomes news, doesn't it?
[flurry of press camera shutters]
You see what I mean. That way, I'll not just be talking to myself, will I? Because over the last ten years, this bloody government has systematically destroyed an entire industry. OUR industry. And not just our industry - our communities, our homes, our lives. All in the name of "progress". And for a few lousy bob. I'll tell you something else you might not know, as well. A fortnight ago, this band's pit were closed - another thousand men lost their jobs. And that's not all they lost. Most of them lost the will to win a while ago. A few of them even lost the will to fight. But when it comes to losing the will to live, to breathe, the point is - if this lot were seals or whales, you'd all be up in bloody arms. But their not, are they, no, no they're not. They're just ordinary common-or-garden honest, decent human beings. And not one of them with an ounce of bloody hope left. Oh aye, they can knock out a bloody good tune. But what the [eff] does that matter?
[gasps emotionally, close to tears]
And now I'm going to take my boys out onto the town. Thank you.
-- Brassed Off ++
* I generally like for the last one on the list (number fifteen, for those of you who have been following along) to be the one that lingers in your mind.
** I hope I censored everything... that needed to be. I let tit and its variants go. I hope that is okay.
## Yeah, I did this one before, somewhere... but is it just awesomeness and stuff
++ This is an amazing film. If you are a human being, or know anyone who is, you should see it. If you are unsure if you should see it or not, err on the side of caution and see it. If you think that you may be too old, young, inhuman, crotchety to see it, see it anyway. If you have seen it, and do not think that simply everyone in the universe should see it, see it again because you were not paying attention. If someone asks you, "Hey, do you know any films I should see?" tell them, "Yes, in fact, see this one." If there is any part of you that remains unclear on whether or not I think you should see this picture, see it and decide for your self. If you understand all this and are thinking to yourself, "I would, but I am not the kind of person who watches anything," then watch this one. If you are not a human being, and are thinking to yourself, "I would maybe watch it, but I don't think I even know any human beings," just watch it because obviously you are insane. If this kind of production is simply not your cup of tea, that is fine. Watch it anyway; I'm not asking you to like it, just to watch it. Now. What are you waiting for?