Friday, October 8, 2010

How many days until Halloween?


It is Friday.

Yes, congratulations, it is another Friday.

Sorry I have not been feeling well as of late.  No, I am not apologizing to anyone about that.  I am feeling sorry for myself.  Again, my blog = my pity. Or whatever.

It is more of an emotional feeling-not-good than any more health deterioration.  I mean, yeah, there is that major, progressive downhill spiral - which is a big part of it - but I have been in a real mood-funk.

Yeah, I set up this blog thing to talk about my feelings and stuff, so I am.  *This* is one of those posts that I do not expect any feedback on. 'Cause I'm just letting out ramblings.

I had been in a playlist rut, so yesterday, I changed it up to try and lift my spirits.  Here is a sample:

  [196/4397] Sugarcubes - The Great Crossover Potential - Walkabout (Unknown:03:49)
  [197/7157] Daft Punk - Discovery - Nightvision (Club-House:01:44)
  [198/4393] Sugarcubes - The Great Crossover Potential - Planet (Unknown:03:24)
  [199/3498] Katy Perry - One Of The Boys - Thinking Of You (Adult Alternative Pop:04:06)
  [200/2240] Junkie XL - Saturday Teenage Kick - War (Big Beat:02:47)
  [201/52] Information Society - Information Society - Make It Funky (Dance:00:30)
  [202/3002] Ministry - Twelve Inch Singles - Nature Of Love (Cruelty Mix B) (Unknown:06:52)
  [203/6433] Yelle - Pop-Up - Les Femmes (Dance:04:15)
  [204/2548] Lords Of Acid - Greatest T*ts - [Kitty] (Unknown:04:05)
  [205/471] Basshunter - Now You're Gone The Album - Angel In The Night (Dance:03:23)
  [206/7125] Daft Punk - Discovery - Nightvision (Euro House:01:44)
  [207/2243] Junkie XL - Saturday Teenage Kick - Fight (Big Beat:05:38)
  [208/7273] Yelle - Pop-Up - Mon meillur ami (Dance:03:57)

It did not help.  I was _really_ down yesterday afternoon.

I think I have been alienating what few friends I have.  The real problem there is that I am not sure that is a bad thing.  Maybe some distance is what I need.

Oh, and sorry about the "Unknown"s there in the genre field.  I ought to update the tags, but... IDK.  Why?

So, pensive lately, or just staring into space.  I don't even know.  Sometimes I think I am thinking about stuff, but I am either loosing whatever it is that I was thinking about as soon as I come out of it, or I'm mistaken about having something on my mind.

Sometimes I just... have an emotion that I can't really describe.  It feels a little like loss, a little like I am misunderstood, a little like I don't want to be understood, a little like I should get over it, but just don't want to.  It's a weird feeling and I just want everyone to go away.

Yeah, I went to fencing last night.  I fenced, but really kept to myself when not on strip.  Not consciously, mind you, but it just happened that way.  Even on strip, I felt spotlighted and that really bothers me.  I was never so longing to just go back home.  That really bothers me to.  Should I be glad that these things are bothering me?  Does this mean I have not given up completely?  Maybe.

It is not that I feel like I have given up.  I don't know that I would know what it feels like to feel like I have given up.  What I really don't know is if I care if I give up.

Okay.  So.  Well, there it is.  Maybe I will follow this up with a more up-beat post shortly.

Until then,
Take Care-

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