It is Friday.
Yes, congratulations, it is another Friday.
Sorry I have not been feeling well as of late. No, I am not apologizing to anyone about that. I am feeling sorry for myself. Again, my blog = my pity. Or whatever.
It is more of an emotional feeling-not-good than any more health deterioration. I mean, yeah, there is that major, progressive downhill spiral - which is a big part of it - but I have been in a real mood-funk.
Yeah, I set up this blog thing to talk about my feelings and stuff, so I am. *This* is one of those posts that I do not expect any feedback on. 'Cause I'm just letting out ramblings.
I had been in a playlist rut, so yesterday, I changed it up to try and lift my spirits. Here is a sample:
[196/4397] Sugarcubes - The Great Crossover Potential - Walkabout (Unknown:03:49)
[197/7157] Daft Punk - Discovery - Nightvision (Club-House:01:44)
[198/4393] Sugarcubes - The Great Crossover Potential - Planet (Unknown:03:24)
[199/3498] Katy Perry - One Of The Boys - Thinking Of You (Adult Alternative Pop:04:06)
[200/2240] Junkie XL - Saturday Teenage Kick - War (Big Beat:02:47)
[201/52] Information Society - Information Society - Make It Funky (Dance:00:30)
[202/3002] Ministry - Twelve Inch Singles - Nature Of Love (Cruelty Mix B) (Unknown:06:52)
[203/6433] Yelle - Pop-Up - Les Femmes (Dance:04:15)
[204/2548] Lords Of Acid - Greatest T*ts - [Kitty] (Unknown:04:05)
[205/471] Basshunter - Now You're Gone The Album - Angel In The Night (Dance:03:23)
[206/7125] Daft Punk - Discovery - Nightvision (Euro House:01:44)
[207/2243] Junkie XL - Saturday Teenage Kick - Fight (Big Beat:05:38)
[208/7273] Yelle - Pop-Up - Mon meillur ami (Dance:03:57)
It did not help. I was _really_ down yesterday afternoon.
I think I have been alienating what few friends I have. The real problem there is that I am not sure that is a bad thing. Maybe some distance is what I need.
Oh, and sorry about the "Unknown"s there in the genre field. I ought to update the tags, but... IDK. Why?
So, pensive lately, or just staring into space. I don't even know. Sometimes I think I am thinking about stuff, but I am either loosing whatever it is that I was thinking about as soon as I come out of it, or I'm mistaken about having something on my mind.
Sometimes I just... have an emotion that I can't really describe. It feels a little like loss, a little like I am misunderstood, a little like I don't want to be understood, a little like I should get over it, but just don't want to. It's a weird feeling and I just want everyone to go away.
Yeah, I went to fencing last night. I fenced, but really kept to myself when not on strip. Not consciously, mind you, but it just happened that way. Even on strip, I felt spotlighted and that really bothers me. I was never so longing to just go back home. That really bothers me to. Should I be glad that these things are bothering me? Does this mean I have not given up completely? Maybe.
It is not that I feel like I have given up. I don't know that I would know what it feels like to feel like I have given up. What I really don't know is if I care if I give up.
Okay. So. Well, there it is. Maybe I will follow this up with a more up-beat post shortly.