Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Visit with Mum (Part 1?)

For the past few days, I have been at Mum's.  The gist of it is:
1) This past summer was the first that I did not stay with her since the split up.
2) About 4 times a year I have to come here for the medical resources.  I am beginning to think that I can get the same care more local, but I am not going to get into that.
3) Travel will be soon a bit sketchier, so visiting while I can.

Monday was kinda like Drs of one kind or another all day.  (How hard can it be to draw blood from someone you can practically see through?  I don't need an x-ray, just hold me up in front of a candle.)
Yesterday we shopped.  I am not big on shopping, but it was okay.

Last night, over Chinese take-out, we had an interesting conversation.
We had /the/ sex talk a long time ago, but it had been years since we just talked about sex and relationships.  It just had not really been relevant, you know?  By the time it became (parts of it) relevant I was with Dad - and Dad & my relationship is more conducive to that kind of conversation. -- and in that parental communicative way, they shared notes.
So Mum was all like:
Is there a guy you like?
Surely someone you fancy...
...think is hot stuff?
Not even a little crush?
A girl?
Not even a little crush?
Okay, yeah, Mum, maybe.
Really? A girl? Do I know her?
Yeah, you do. - I said with a grin so she would not take it harshly - You slept with her.
She blushed.   (I think I (euphemistically) used the word "slept" - which is ironic because I slept with her too, but literally.  Long story.) It was true. I have a crush, if you will, a non-sexual girl-crush on my Mum's first girlfriend.
Then I was like:
You know how I feel about Amy (<-- not her real name, by the way).  I love her very much, but I'm not having "romantic" feelings towards her or anyone.
No one?
No one.
What about Clair?  (<-- not her real name, by the way)
We're just friends Mum.  And she likes boys.
Does she have a boyfriend?
You know, I married your father, and I still love him very much, but...
Not every girl in the world is secretly gay.  And just because I am scared of boys, doesn't mean I'm a lesbian too.  (Oh, Mum's lesbian.  I went on.)  Which would be okay if I was, but I am just nothing, okay?
But who do you find attractive?
(mental uhg.  I rolled my eyes and through my fortune cookie at her.)
Then we named celebrities that we thought were good looking.
Dad and I would sit sometimes watching people walk by and point out who we thought was good looking and I would punch him whenever he looked at a girl that was too young for him.  Same sort of thing.  But without the punching.

I can appreciate a good looking person, boy or girl, but once I start to think about a guy being a guy.... and the anatomical ramifications of that... I freak out.  There are people, guys, I have a very hard time being in the same room with because of this phenomenon.  Sometimes I even get that way with Dad.  Usually I just go to my room, other times I can't move and he has to leave the room.  That reminds me of another story, that is still to new to not be funny yet.  But I digress.

So, convinced that I had an eye for pretty people, but no juicy stories to tell Mum, we started talking about her relationships.  She has had a hard time of things.  She never really came out, you know?  Not publicly.  So I got to hear about her triumphs and frustrations.  She expressed that she felt a little like a bad parent for having this kind of talk with me.  She decided that it does not bother her that she will have no grandkids.
Oh - in case you did not know, I will not be reproducing.  Aint gonna happen.

We did talk a little about the lack of physiological progress I am making and how I do not care to get medical treatment for it.  I don't feel like I am missing out on anything by not having started puberty.  We had been through all this before and I have enough to worry about.  So, Mum was like, it is no wonder you have no interest in sex.

Well, that is a big part of it.  I can't talk about my inner fears with her, or anyone.  Not really.  I can say that I _have_ them, but not what they are.  It is not my intention to withhold this from her, from my shrink, even from Dad and my friends.  There is just something in there... that rotten place I call my mind... that shuts me down.  I tried, you know?  I really tried to share with her, but I locked up.  She called Dad and let me sleep it off.  When I woke up we had ice cream.

I could go on, but Mum is up and making breakfast.  I should go make sure she does not do anything weird with it.

This is all TMI as is, but I am going to post it right quick and edit it later.  It is not like anyone reads it anyway.

Take Care

1 comment:

  1. I read it. ;)
    Personally, I can't really talk to my mother about people I might like or find attractive. It's just... no. You know?
    I'm here for you. Just so you know. Take Care.